Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
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In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
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Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..