I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
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I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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