i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
