i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry