I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.