just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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