they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
