After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
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You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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