WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
