Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
please come you make the beer taste better
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
