I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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