Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Let's get the cat blown out
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
