It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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