it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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