I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
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Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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