I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
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Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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