Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
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I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize