u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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