You made me cry and you don't even care
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.