it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
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I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.