just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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