i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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