Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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