my phone needs a breathalizer
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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