So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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