I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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