Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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