I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
