this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
