I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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