i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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