I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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