Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
