Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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