I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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