Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
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no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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