I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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