I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
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Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.