How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird