I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever