The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
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I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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