You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
