I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Randomize