she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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