Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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