from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
