Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
how drunk are you?
Several
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
