I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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