If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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