There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
