just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
