It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
