im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
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I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
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I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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