You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
