I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
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Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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